What I Learned

I learned a few things today. . .

1. Helping kids clean is a lot easier & requires a lot less yelling than trying to have them do it themselves.

2. An iPod touch does wonders while waiting for an oil change.

3. Sometimes bribery IS the answer. :)

4. Nolan has been peeing behind the doors. . .(sigh)

5. I should have figured out that the swimming suits we need tomorrow weren't clean and started the laundry before 10:30 at night.

6. I have really great neighbors! It's only taken me a year to figure that out. :)

7. I'm ready to let the birds stretch their wings outside (and pray that they don't come back). They are driving me bonkers!

8. Walking outside barefoot on the hot roads is not a good idea.

9. I don't know how I'm going to last 17 days in Utah without Ben. . .I'm ready for him to be home now. I miss him.

10. I'm disliking the hot, humid summers in NC almost as much as I dislike the snowy, cold winters in Utah.

11. I really miss dancing. Watching the show So You Think You Can Dance reminds me of how much I loved it.

Plus Two

I've been sitting here on my bed trying to think of what I would write about tonight. I've been trying to focus on the positive things more than the negative these last few days. However, just so you know how my day went, bed time for kids is normally around 8:30 or so, since it's summer. Today I put Isabella to bed at 6:50.

I've been sitting here for about ten minutes trying to think of something positive.

Then, just now Nolan walked in. (Him and Simon are watching a movie downstairs)

This was our conversation. . .

Me: "Hi Sweet boy, what do you need?"

Nolan: Holding his arms open for a hug he says, "I love you 100 plus 64 plus 98."

Me: "Wow! That's a lot! Guess what? I love you that many plus two!"

Nolan: "I love you 98 mommy, did you know that's the biggest number?"

Me: "It is?"

Nolan: "Yeah, can you count to that many?"

Me: "I think I could."

Nolan: While walking out of my bedroom, "Well, that would take you for longer. It would take you 100 days to count to 98 cause that's a big big number."

How can you not love that sweet boy? I love moments like

that. . .when the only thing that makes sense in our conversation is that he loves me

the biggest number he knows

and I love him that many plus two.

A Good Thing

Just so you understand. . .Ben and I haven't been away from each other for more than two nights since he got home from his mission. I didn't exactly have that in mind when I had the brilliant idea of going to Utah with the kids 17 days before him. I think, at the time, that I thought it would be easier than I now know it's going to be. (That was a confusing sentence) Right now, he is on a High adventure scout camp. He hasn't even been gone for one whole day and I miss him. He will be gone for three nights this time. . .which really isn't very long at all. How in the world am I going to be without seeing him for over two weeks?! I know my mom and his mom are thrilled that we will be visiting for so long and they will get to see their grandbabies. . .but it makes me sad to think about going without Ben. I wish he could come and be with us for the whole time instead of just the end of the vacation.

This may seem strange, but, thinking about being away from Ben, makes me think about how much I love him. . .and love being around him and talking to him. I've always loved him, but I think it gets so easy to love without thinking about why or how. Does that make sense? We've been married for a little more than eight years. . .loving him is just easy. I don't think about it all the time. . .I just do it. . .like blinking. I'm sad that he can't come with us. . .but I'm glad that this makes me think about how much I love him and how much I want to be with him forever. Even after eight years, I don't like the thought of being without each other. That's a good thing.

Church

I really do enjoy going to church. It is so helpful when the kids are good in sacrament meeting and when I don't spend most of the time in the mother's room. Today was one of those good days. I love getting my cup filled for the coming week. :)

No Such Thing

Yesterday we went to Walmart with the family. Ben needed to get some things for the scout camp that he is going on. The kids and I found things that we wanted to take on our trip to Utah! The kids were so good! It made me wonder what makes them nice, obedient and mellow one day, then mean, cranky and defiant the next? I wish I could find the magical answer. . .but I'm guessing that since there's no such thing as magic, that probably means there's no magical answer and I shouldn't hold my breath! Instead, I'll be grateful for the times when they don't test my sanity, like yesterday. :)

Thought Processes

Note: This wasn't meant to be a depressing post. . .it's really just the thought processes that I keep having. This is really the point of this blog. . .to help me figure things out and become a better person. . .I believe that includes knowing and understanding the actions and thoughts that need to go. It may not make much sense to anyone reading it. . .but it does make sense to me. :)

Today was actually a good day! I know I am saying that like it's a shock. Please understand. . .I haven't been having many good days. I guess that's a little too dramatic. I've had lots of great days interlaced with feelings of unimportance. And that feeling goes into every aspect of my life. It's funny, because I could have a conversation with myself about the way I'm feeling and give myself great solutions and answers to my questions. . .and yet, I can't figure out a way to change the way I'm feeling. . .

First of all, I feel unimportant as a mother. Let's face reality, I spend a huge majority of my time with children who are six, four, almost three and almost three months. There isn't much gratitude coming my way. I also don't get much time for me. I know, I should find joy in raising and nurturing them and in the knowledge that I am a partner with God in creating life. But here's the thing. . .So, I love love love being a mom. I would not want to be doing anything else. I love and adore my kids. I am SO grateful that I am able to stay home with them. Not everyone gets to do that! It's just that. . .I don't know. . .it's like I want more, but I don't know what that "more" is? That probably doesn't make any sense, but I can't figure out how to put what I'm thinking and feeling into words. Then I'm reading the May Ensign and I read Sheri Dew's conference talk. She talks about how women shouldn't be feeling like they need more "me time" We should be content and satisfied with raising or children and staying home. So. . .how do I get to that point? How do I make myself feel that way? It's strange because every time I do get some time to myself. . .I'd rather be with Ben and the kids. Do you see why I'm confused? . . .I just had a thought. . .maybe the "more" isn't more time to myself but it's more in a spiritual sense. . .like more of a testimony and more spiritual knowledge and strength? Which brings me to the next aspect of my life. . .

I feel very unimportant at church. I have no calling. I actually thought I would enjoy not having a calling. That is not the case! I was in nursery until they released me after having Malia. I was seriously dreading having nursery as a calling. I soooo loved that calling! It is one of my favorite so far. Now, I have no calling, I spend most of my time at church in the mother's room nursing, I haven't been to the temple in almost a year (it's a six hour long trip. . .not so easy with little kids), and I rarely get to study my scriptures without interruptions. . .or falling asleep. :) I really want a calling. I feel like I'm helping and serving when I do. I think maybe I'm a little jealous. That's an understatement. I know I'm very jealous of Ben in many ways. In relation to this subject. . . Ben is the YM president. He is very busy with his calling. He helps people all the time and everyone loves him. On the other hand, I feel like I only know ten people in our ward. In relation to the previous subject, he gets a break from the kids! :)

I also feel unimportant with adults. I know that doesn't make any sense, but I have a theme going here, stick with me. What I mean is that I don't feel like I could contribute to an intellectual conversation about. . .well, anything. The most stimulating conversation I have in a typical day is about pokemon and their different moves and types and their evolution. Ben says to read books. . .but I rarely have time to sit and read. Well actually, I choose other things to do with my time. And perhaps those other things are less important. . .maybe I need to take inventory of what I do in a day. It's silly really, when I was reading the Twilight series I was done with each book in two days at most! Granted, that was before Malia showed up, but I should be able to find time. Right? Right.

Let's suppose I could keep a journal. . .

I have never been very good at keeping a journal. Not ever. I only have little bits and pieces of my thoughts or goings on written down in random places. Certainly not in the same notebook. That being said, I'd like to try and be better. I feel like I should be doing better. Quite often I have found myself thinking. . . I should write down what I'm thinking right now. . .and of course, it rarely happens. I think having four kids doesn't help the situation. However, I do believe that I use them as an excuse way too often and too easily.

I am hoping that I will be better at writing down my thoughts on this blog. I'm not writing it for anyone but myself. It won't be a private blog. . .but it also won't be announced to the world. For all intents and purposes, it will be my journal. If anyone does happen to find this blog, I do love advice. I've said many times. . .I may not take it, so don't be offended if I don't. . . but I do like to hear other points of view.

I want to write posts frequently. I would say daily, but I know that won't happen. At least not for now. So, I will stick with frequently. If it's a short insignificant post, then so be it. Something is better than nothing, right?

The plan is to try and write every night. . .when it's quiet. When the kids are in bed and I can think. I don't ever get time in a day to just think. More often than not, it is when I am trying to go to sleep that my thoughts keep me awake. It's funny really. . .as I am writing about not being able to think, I hear two screaming boys fighting over a box. Typical. :)

I believe that it is the spirit whispering to me, telling me to keep a journal. I'm not sure why. . .but this blog is my attempt at listening and obeying.