Thought Processes

Note: This wasn't meant to be a depressing post. . .it's really just the thought processes that I keep having. This is really the point of this blog. . .to help me figure things out and become a better person. . .I believe that includes knowing and understanding the actions and thoughts that need to go. It may not make much sense to anyone reading it. . .but it does make sense to me. :)

Today was actually a good day! I know I am saying that like it's a shock. Please understand. . .I haven't been having many good days. I guess that's a little too dramatic. I've had lots of great days interlaced with feelings of unimportance. And that feeling goes into every aspect of my life. It's funny, because I could have a conversation with myself about the way I'm feeling and give myself great solutions and answers to my questions. . .and yet, I can't figure out a way to change the way I'm feeling. . .

First of all, I feel unimportant as a mother. Let's face reality, I spend a huge majority of my time with children who are six, four, almost three and almost three months. There isn't much gratitude coming my way. I also don't get much time for me. I know, I should find joy in raising and nurturing them and in the knowledge that I am a partner with God in creating life. But here's the thing. . .So, I love love love being a mom. I would not want to be doing anything else. I love and adore my kids. I am SO grateful that I am able to stay home with them. Not everyone gets to do that! It's just that. . .I don't know. . .it's like I want more, but I don't know what that "more" is? That probably doesn't make any sense, but I can't figure out how to put what I'm thinking and feeling into words. Then I'm reading the May Ensign and I read Sheri Dew's conference talk. She talks about how women shouldn't be feeling like they need more "me time" We should be content and satisfied with raising or children and staying home. So. . .how do I get to that point? How do I make myself feel that way? It's strange because every time I do get some time to myself. . .I'd rather be with Ben and the kids. Do you see why I'm confused? . . .I just had a thought. . .maybe the "more" isn't more time to myself but it's more in a spiritual sense. . .like more of a testimony and more spiritual knowledge and strength? Which brings me to the next aspect of my life. . .

I feel very unimportant at church. I have no calling. I actually thought I would enjoy not having a calling. That is not the case! I was in nursery until they released me after having Malia. I was seriously dreading having nursery as a calling. I soooo loved that calling! It is one of my favorite so far. Now, I have no calling, I spend most of my time at church in the mother's room nursing, I haven't been to the temple in almost a year (it's a six hour long trip. . .not so easy with little kids), and I rarely get to study my scriptures without interruptions. . .or falling asleep. :) I really want a calling. I feel like I'm helping and serving when I do. I think maybe I'm a little jealous. That's an understatement. I know I'm very jealous of Ben in many ways. In relation to this subject. . . Ben is the YM president. He is very busy with his calling. He helps people all the time and everyone loves him. On the other hand, I feel like I only know ten people in our ward. In relation to the previous subject, he gets a break from the kids! :)

I also feel unimportant with adults. I know that doesn't make any sense, but I have a theme going here, stick with me. What I mean is that I don't feel like I could contribute to an intellectual conversation about. . .well, anything. The most stimulating conversation I have in a typical day is about pokemon and their different moves and types and their evolution. Ben says to read books. . .but I rarely have time to sit and read. Well actually, I choose other things to do with my time. And perhaps those other things are less important. . .maybe I need to take inventory of what I do in a day. It's silly really, when I was reading the Twilight series I was done with each book in two days at most! Granted, that was before Malia showed up, but I should be able to find time. Right? Right.