Update on Goals

The kids are all in bed. Ben is at a young men's activity. . .and I don't know what to do with myself. I could clean. . .but I've been doing that all day (just to have it get messed up again). I should read my scriptures or a book or something. . .but I'm not feeling like reading either. I could go to bed, but it's only 8:00. That seems too early to be going to bed. Also, if I did that I wouldn't get to see Ben much today. SO, instead of doing all of those things, I thought I'd post something. . .since it's been a really long time since the last one.

Nothing really new or exciting has happened. This post will just be an update. :)

I have lost a total of ten pounds! It's kind of funny really, the scale says I've lost ten pounds, but I still feel really chubby. A part of me thinks that I need to get the weight off right now and that I'm too squishy. Another part of me says that I should be happy with how I am. I have four kids, all of which are very young and when I have clothes on, I really don't look fat. . .So, which one do I listen to? Maybe meet somewhere in the middle. Keep trying to lose weight, but don't feel so bad about it, maybe? Who knows. Maybe I can just get a tummy tuck! Ha! ;)

My plan for getting the kids up early was a bust. It was a good plan in theory, but when it came to putting the plan into action it didn't work out so well. I learned that it was a really dumb idea to wake up Bella on purpose! I still need to work on getting up at 5:30. I'm a pushover and if I hear Malia crying, I will go feed her. I don't like hearing her cry. . .and it's faster to feed her then to wait for her to fall back asleep. Anyway, she's usually waking up around 4:30. . .and then I just go back to sleep until I need to get Simon up and ready for school. I'll work on that one.

I have been going to the gym. It hasn't been every day, but it has been frequently. I met a great lady who takes her daughter to dance the same time and day that I take Bella. Her name is Sondra, and we have been working out together. It's nice to know that someone is waiting there for me. It definitely makes me want to go. I wish I could go every day. I'm finding that by the time I get there, drop Bella and Malia off at child care, exercise, then pick them back up and get home, two hours of the day are gone. That's a big chunk of time!

I have been sort of good about keeping the house clean. It goes in waves. I haven't quite mastered all of the routines that FlyLady teaches you. The house does stay clean more often than it used to. So that's a good thing. The kids and I cleaned the upstairs really well and we have started a new nightly routine. After dinner, and before bed, we all go upstairs and pick up. I'm going to try and teach them that if they clean up every night, it will never get to be a big mess and they won't have to spend a whole day cleaning. . .now if I can only teach myself that lesson! Simon wants to earn money to buy a Nintendo DSI XL, so I showed him how to clean a bathroom. He liked doing that and wanted to clean the other two bathrooms in the house also! I need to be excited about cleaning toilets like he is!

Well, I think that's about it. My conclusion. . .I need to be more disciplined!

As a side note, I was called to be the primary secretary! What a blessing! I'm really excited about actually having a calling. I was feeling a little useless. . .a low maintenance, low yield member. I've had the calling for about two months, and I am loving it! Nolan and Simon think it's pretty cool that I stay in the primary room with them. Sister Buckner has been taking Malia with her so I can do my thing. Everyone loves passing Malia around. She's such a sweet, good girl! Another blessing. :)

Weakness

Well, it's been a month since I started my plan. For the most part, I'm doing pretty well! I started going to the gym today. It's really cool because I can drop Bella and Malia off in the child care area and go work out. It was quiet. It was relaxing. It was wonderful. I guess it sounds funny to say that exercising was relaxing, but it really was. I'm doing that every day possible. I look forward to going tomorrow!

I went to the Relief Society broadcast last Saturday. I always have a hard time wanting to go, but once I get there, I'm glad I did. It seems easier to just watch it on your TV, in your pajamas with a big glass of ice water. I do enjoy the spirit that I feel when I'm with so many good women. You don't get that when you stay home. Most of the talks were about visiting teaching. That's not the greatest topic for me. I get a little irritated when I think of visiting teaching. My testimony of Relief Society and visiting teaching isn't exactly strong. I don't feel any great bond or a special attachment. But I know that I should. I want to. Really. I just don't know why I don't. Actually, that's a lie. I do know why I don't love visiting teaching. 1. I've never had visiting teachers who have come to see me. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it isn't. In the ten years of being and having visiting teachers. . .I've never had anyone come more than twice. 2. My visiting teachers have never brought meals when I've had kids or been sick or injured. 3. I always see people taking advantage of visiting teachers. For example, when we lived in Utah there was a woman who was pregnant with triplets. She asked for meals for three months. THREE MONTHS! I understand that she was on bed rest for a few weeks before she had the babies and I can't even imagine having three babies at one time. . .but three months? Really? She didn't have any other kids, why couldn't her husband help out with cooking for the two of them? Even here in NC there are people who ask for meals to be brought for more than week!

Just for some background. . .When I had Malia, my visiting teachers told me that they would each bring us dinner one night. At 5:30 PM one of them called me and said that the other couldn't bring her meal that night so she would bring two meals the next day in the afternoon. The next day we waited for her to bring them by, and finally decided that we needed to figure something else out because she wasn't coming, and she didn't. How do you do that? Why would you do that? If I couldn't make someone a meal, I would at least go buy them a pizza or KFC or something. I wouldn't just leave them wondering. I't has been six months and this still bothers me. Heck, the stories I told you before happened a long long time ago and they still bother me. Why? I don't think about it all the time, actually I don't think about it very often. Just when the subject of visiting teaching comes up. Today it started bothering me because our Relief Society sent out an email asking for help with meals for a week for my visiting teacher who just had a baby. I have zero desire to take her family dinner. I know that's wrong. I really do. I don't know how to change the way I'm thinking. How do I get to the point where things like that don't bother me? Ben would say "There's nothing you can do about it now, so why worry about it." I just think that is easier said than done. For now, I'll keep praying for the ability to control my thoughts and to know how to get over things faster. . .it's just not really working so well right now. I'm weak. Too weak for my liking. I'll keep working on it.

The Plan is Simply This. . .

I have this plan. It includes an early to bed and early to rise sleep pattern for the whole family, a daily exercise routine for me, eating healthy, losing 25 lb., studying the scriptures every day, and keeping the house clean. . .not just tidy. . .really clean.

How am I going to do this you ask? Let me break it down.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

Simon starts school on Wednesday (I can't believe he's in first grade!). When he does start school, I want everyone to start a nightly routine. At 7:30 all of the kids will start getting ready for bed. Showering, brushing their teeth and whatever else. By 8:00 they will be in bed with family prayer said, songs sung and lights out. Malia usually goes to bed around 9:00 and right after I get her in bed I will be able to get myself ready. I'd like to be ready and in bed at 9:30. Getting to bed early will allow me to wake up early. The kids and Ben (If he's willing to participate) will be woken up at 6:00. For me, the plan is to get up at 5:30 (man, that sounds really early!). Eight hours of sleep should be more than plenty, right!? Yes, I'm right. :) That brings me to the next portion. . .

My Daily Exercise Routine

I read a book called This is Why You're Fat and How to Stay Skinny Forever, written by Jackie Warner. It is a very stupid title, but I really enjoyed the book. So much so, that I bought it. From reading that book I have learned a lot about eating habits and about the foods that are good/bad for you and why you should or should not eat them. She also talks about getting exercise. She says that it is better for you to do 20 minutes of exercise with varying levels of difficulty in the work out, than to do a 45 minute work out and stay at the same level. She also believes in lifting weights and doing different types of workouts using the weights.

That being said, I am going to start out by doing a 20 minute workout on my elliptical every morning. Ben and I were doing P90X before we moved to NC, and I will eventually start doing that in addition to the elliptical. However, for now we will stick with adding one workout at a time so as not to burn myself out and give up. (which is what I usually do with my all encompassing plans)

Eating Healthy and Losing Weight

I have decided to try out Jackie Warners method for eating healthy. It includes eating oatmeal, two eggs, and lots of fruit and vegetables every day. In addition you "eat clean" for a week and have two "cheat meals" on the weekends. She says you shouldn't have any sugar, but I'm not totally on board with that one. She compares sugar to cocaine and says you shouldn't have any at all. No milk, no ketchup, not anything with any kind of sugar. I don't buy that one. I did appreciate the fact that reading her opinion on sugar made me pay more attention to how much sugar is in different things. I am more aware, just not that extreme.

When we got home from Utah, I weighed a whopping 145 lbs. Ugh. That is almost as much as I weighed when a gave birth to Simon! I do not feel like I look fat. However, I do feel fat. I don't like weighing that much and I need it to go away. Since we got back from Utah, I have been following her diet, and I have lost 5 lbs.! I'm hoping I continue losing the poundage. . .if I do, and I get to my goal weight (120), Ben and I are going to go to Europe next summer! I'm guessing that we will be going whether I reach my goal or not. . .but I really want to work hard at it, so I should be able to make it!

Daily Scripture Study

Nolan will start preschool in about two weeks. He will go from 9:30-1:30 on Monday through Thursday. I'm hoping that by waking everyone up at 6:00 to get ready for the day Isabella and Malia will be able to take a nap while Nolan is at preschool. That will give me at least an hour of quiet, alone time. That is when I will study. I imagine it won't happen that way every day. There are bound to be issues with girls going to sleep or errands that will need to done during that time. If there are days when I need to study at a different time, I'm hoping I can accomplish that when Ben gets home from work or after the kids go to bed in the evening.

Keeping our House Clean

Katie and Angela love a website called flylady.com. I looked at it the other day, and now I love it too! It is a system for keeping your house clean. . .all the time. Right now I am doing the beginner baby steps. It is a series of habits that you start with. The first one is to keep your sink shining. Flylady says that if your kitchen is clean, it will be easier for you to keep the rest of your house clean. As the kitchen goes, so goes the rest of the home. You have before bed and morning routines and the house is broken up into zones. You start a new zone every week and each zone is thoroughly cleaned each month. It's great. I've only been doing it for a week, but I'm loving my clean sink and the routines so far! I'm pretty sure Ben is enjoying that the house has been a lot cleaner. I bet he can't wait until I start cleaning the different zones. It makes him happy to have a clean house. Heck, I'm even happy when the house is clean. :)

So that's it! That is my plan.

Wish me luck! :)

Good To Be Home

We have been back from our month long trip to Utah for about a week. We had so much fun! My mom flew here to NC on Monday, July 5. She came to help me fly back to Utah with the kids on July 6. She's such a nice mommy. Then Ben joined us on July 23. Anyway, we stayed with my parents for the first two weeks of our trip and for the last two weeks we stayed with Ben's parents. We went to the splash pad at Gateway, did lots of swimming and playing in the water in both back yards, went four wheeling, ate tons of Cafe Rio, drank way way way to much Dr. Pepper (that was me. . .the kids ate way too much junk food in general), went out with friends, went to the temple (!!), took family pictures, had the annual Bliss 24th of July BBQ, spent a day at the Drummond's annual campout, and everyone was thrilled to meet Malia (she rolled over for the first time while we were there!). It was good to see all of the family and some of our good friends. . .but I have to say. . .it was really nice to come home, get the kids back on a normal schedule and get back into our routines.

When we first moved to North Carolina, I quickly realized how I often took having my mom and Ben's mom around to help for granted. It was, for the most part, very easy living in Utah. We never had to worry about a babysitter, if we (more like if I) didn't want to cook dinner we just went to one of our parents house to eat, we could go to the temple as often as we wanted (and we tried to go once a month), I could go to the store without kids, and if I just needed a break I could call my mom and she'd come to my house or I could go to her house. She would help with the kids or I could let them run around out back and not have to worry so much about them. When we moved I had to figure everything out again. Now I have to take kids to the store or wait for Ben to be home or take Ben along (not his favorite activity). I went to the temple once last year because it takes about six hours round trip. I have to cook dinner. . .or order pizza (which we don't do often) or nobody eats. We have to plan babysitting carefully so as not to overload people too much. . .and I don't get breaks. These sound like complaints, but they really aren't. . .other than the frequency of my temple trips. I love living here. I love that I have had to figure things out for myself. I don't mind taking the kids to the store so much. It's not my favorite thing, but I've learned that sometimes it just has to be done, so I make the best of it. I feel like I am closer to the people in my ward because we have to rely on them more. Ben and I are closer because I turn to him for comfort, entertainment, a listening ear, and to relieve me from parenting duty at times. I liked living in Utah. I could move back there sometime. That time isn't now. I love living in NC and visiting Utah. It was strange really. When I got to Utah it just didn't feel like home. . .or that it would be home anytime soon. It is good to be back in our own house, in our own beds, doing our thing, day in and day out. It's just good to be home. :)

Hullabaloo

What is it about Nascar racing that people get so excited over? It's just a bunch of cars going around and around and around and around. They just keep making left hand turns. I don't understand the excitement. Ben was sort of watching it on and off tonight. He lovingly left me feeding Malia in front of the TV with no remote, watching Nascar while he put the kids in bed. (Isn't he a nice boy to put the kids in bed?!) Holy Hannah was that not the worst 10 minutes of my TV watching history?!? And yet, the announcers were loving every second of it. Saying "This is hold your breath racing!" or, "There is so much excitement going on in the front!" or, "You can feel the intensity here!" and when they showed the crowd everyone was cheering, jumping up and down and having a

grand ole time. . .seriously? I don't see it.

Nascar is huge here in NC. They have a Nascar speed park in Concord Mills. And they just opened the Nascar Hall of Fame in Charlotte. These are two places that I don't see myself visiting anytime soon. :)

I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, and I obviously don't share the enthusiasm. . .but, whatever floats your boat I guess.

What I Learned

I learned a few things today. . .

1. Helping kids clean is a lot easier & requires a lot less yelling than trying to have them do it themselves.

2. An iPod touch does wonders while waiting for an oil change.

3. Sometimes bribery IS the answer. :)

4. Nolan has been peeing behind the doors. . .(sigh)

5. I should have figured out that the swimming suits we need tomorrow weren't clean and started the laundry before 10:30 at night.

6. I have really great neighbors! It's only taken me a year to figure that out. :)

7. I'm ready to let the birds stretch their wings outside (and pray that they don't come back). They are driving me bonkers!

8. Walking outside barefoot on the hot roads is not a good idea.

9. I don't know how I'm going to last 17 days in Utah without Ben. . .I'm ready for him to be home now. I miss him.

10. I'm disliking the hot, humid summers in NC almost as much as I dislike the snowy, cold winters in Utah.

11. I really miss dancing. Watching the show So You Think You Can Dance reminds me of how much I loved it.

Plus Two

I've been sitting here on my bed trying to think of what I would write about tonight. I've been trying to focus on the positive things more than the negative these last few days. However, just so you know how my day went, bed time for kids is normally around 8:30 or so, since it's summer. Today I put Isabella to bed at 6:50.

I've been sitting here for about ten minutes trying to think of something positive.

Then, just now Nolan walked in. (Him and Simon are watching a movie downstairs)

This was our conversation. . .

Me: "Hi Sweet boy, what do you need?"

Nolan: Holding his arms open for a hug he says, "I love you 100 plus 64 plus 98."

Me: "Wow! That's a lot! Guess what? I love you that many plus two!"

Nolan: "I love you 98 mommy, did you know that's the biggest number?"

Me: "It is?"

Nolan: "Yeah, can you count to that many?"

Me: "I think I could."

Nolan: While walking out of my bedroom, "Well, that would take you for longer. It would take you 100 days to count to 98 cause that's a big big number."

How can you not love that sweet boy? I love moments like

that. . .when the only thing that makes sense in our conversation is that he loves me

the biggest number he knows

and I love him that many plus two.

A Good Thing

Just so you understand. . .Ben and I haven't been away from each other for more than two nights since he got home from his mission. I didn't exactly have that in mind when I had the brilliant idea of going to Utah with the kids 17 days before him. I think, at the time, that I thought it would be easier than I now know it's going to be. (That was a confusing sentence) Right now, he is on a High adventure scout camp. He hasn't even been gone for one whole day and I miss him. He will be gone for three nights this time. . .which really isn't very long at all. How in the world am I going to be without seeing him for over two weeks?! I know my mom and his mom are thrilled that we will be visiting for so long and they will get to see their grandbabies. . .but it makes me sad to think about going without Ben. I wish he could come and be with us for the whole time instead of just the end of the vacation.

This may seem strange, but, thinking about being away from Ben, makes me think about how much I love him. . .and love being around him and talking to him. I've always loved him, but I think it gets so easy to love without thinking about why or how. Does that make sense? We've been married for a little more than eight years. . .loving him is just easy. I don't think about it all the time. . .I just do it. . .like blinking. I'm sad that he can't come with us. . .but I'm glad that this makes me think about how much I love him and how much I want to be with him forever. Even after eight years, I don't like the thought of being without each other. That's a good thing.

Church

I really do enjoy going to church. It is so helpful when the kids are good in sacrament meeting and when I don't spend most of the time in the mother's room. Today was one of those good days. I love getting my cup filled for the coming week. :)

No Such Thing

Yesterday we went to Walmart with the family. Ben needed to get some things for the scout camp that he is going on. The kids and I found things that we wanted to take on our trip to Utah! The kids were so good! It made me wonder what makes them nice, obedient and mellow one day, then mean, cranky and defiant the next? I wish I could find the magical answer. . .but I'm guessing that since there's no such thing as magic, that probably means there's no magical answer and I shouldn't hold my breath! Instead, I'll be grateful for the times when they don't test my sanity, like yesterday. :)

Thought Processes

Note: This wasn't meant to be a depressing post. . .it's really just the thought processes that I keep having. This is really the point of this blog. . .to help me figure things out and become a better person. . .I believe that includes knowing and understanding the actions and thoughts that need to go. It may not make much sense to anyone reading it. . .but it does make sense to me. :)

Today was actually a good day! I know I am saying that like it's a shock. Please understand. . .I haven't been having many good days. I guess that's a little too dramatic. I've had lots of great days interlaced with feelings of unimportance. And that feeling goes into every aspect of my life. It's funny, because I could have a conversation with myself about the way I'm feeling and give myself great solutions and answers to my questions. . .and yet, I can't figure out a way to change the way I'm feeling. . .

First of all, I feel unimportant as a mother. Let's face reality, I spend a huge majority of my time with children who are six, four, almost three and almost three months. There isn't much gratitude coming my way. I also don't get much time for me. I know, I should find joy in raising and nurturing them and in the knowledge that I am a partner with God in creating life. But here's the thing. . .So, I love love love being a mom. I would not want to be doing anything else. I love and adore my kids. I am SO grateful that I am able to stay home with them. Not everyone gets to do that! It's just that. . .I don't know. . .it's like I want more, but I don't know what that "more" is? That probably doesn't make any sense, but I can't figure out how to put what I'm thinking and feeling into words. Then I'm reading the May Ensign and I read Sheri Dew's conference talk. She talks about how women shouldn't be feeling like they need more "me time" We should be content and satisfied with raising or children and staying home. So. . .how do I get to that point? How do I make myself feel that way? It's strange because every time I do get some time to myself. . .I'd rather be with Ben and the kids. Do you see why I'm confused? . . .I just had a thought. . .maybe the "more" isn't more time to myself but it's more in a spiritual sense. . .like more of a testimony and more spiritual knowledge and strength? Which brings me to the next aspect of my life. . .

I feel very unimportant at church. I have no calling. I actually thought I would enjoy not having a calling. That is not the case! I was in nursery until they released me after having Malia. I was seriously dreading having nursery as a calling. I soooo loved that calling! It is one of my favorite so far. Now, I have no calling, I spend most of my time at church in the mother's room nursing, I haven't been to the temple in almost a year (it's a six hour long trip. . .not so easy with little kids), and I rarely get to study my scriptures without interruptions. . .or falling asleep. :) I really want a calling. I feel like I'm helping and serving when I do. I think maybe I'm a little jealous. That's an understatement. I know I'm very jealous of Ben in many ways. In relation to this subject. . . Ben is the YM president. He is very busy with his calling. He helps people all the time and everyone loves him. On the other hand, I feel like I only know ten people in our ward. In relation to the previous subject, he gets a break from the kids! :)

I also feel unimportant with adults. I know that doesn't make any sense, but I have a theme going here, stick with me. What I mean is that I don't feel like I could contribute to an intellectual conversation about. . .well, anything. The most stimulating conversation I have in a typical day is about pokemon and their different moves and types and their evolution. Ben says to read books. . .but I rarely have time to sit and read. Well actually, I choose other things to do with my time. And perhaps those other things are less important. . .maybe I need to take inventory of what I do in a day. It's silly really, when I was reading the Twilight series I was done with each book in two days at most! Granted, that was before Malia showed up, but I should be able to find time. Right? Right.

Let's suppose I could keep a journal. . .

I have never been very good at keeping a journal. Not ever. I only have little bits and pieces of my thoughts or goings on written down in random places. Certainly not in the same notebook. That being said, I'd like to try and be better. I feel like I should be doing better. Quite often I have found myself thinking. . . I should write down what I'm thinking right now. . .and of course, it rarely happens. I think having four kids doesn't help the situation. However, I do believe that I use them as an excuse way too often and too easily.

I am hoping that I will be better at writing down my thoughts on this blog. I'm not writing it for anyone but myself. It won't be a private blog. . .but it also won't be announced to the world. For all intents and purposes, it will be my journal. If anyone does happen to find this blog, I do love advice. I've said many times. . .I may not take it, so don't be offended if I don't. . . but I do like to hear other points of view.

I want to write posts frequently. I would say daily, but I know that won't happen. At least not for now. So, I will stick with frequently. If it's a short insignificant post, then so be it. Something is better than nothing, right?

The plan is to try and write every night. . .when it's quiet. When the kids are in bed and I can think. I don't ever get time in a day to just think. More often than not, it is when I am trying to go to sleep that my thoughts keep me awake. It's funny really. . .as I am writing about not being able to think, I hear two screaming boys fighting over a box. Typical. :)

I believe that it is the spirit whispering to me, telling me to keep a journal. I'm not sure why. . .but this blog is my attempt at listening and obeying.